REAL TALK? THE REALEST.

LOA has been on a Real Talk kick, and here's some more, quite possibly the REALEST. That, and I get to use the "teen pregnancy" tag.

Two Way Freak

This phone is awesome. I saw it at an estate sale on sunday. I need a cell phone that is exactly like this. I have a hunch that #9 came with the phone. I think I would call #3 the most. That chick looks like she knows how to get down. I am pretty sure I would never call #1. The raddest is most definantly #8.

Not really hating. I am sad that this phone will end up at a landfill. Kyle wanted to buy it but honestly, our apartment is a landfill.

Fake Life

Prepare Yourselves for the Rubber Band Man's Jam

So, today I am sick of Hating. Seems insane right? When something is so much a part of who you are how do you get sick of it? Well, deal with it. I am more interested in giving props to a certain consumer driven phenomenon that is hated on by most other people. Yes, I am putting myself in a hate minority. Before you start pummeling me with rotten tomato's hear a sister out.

If Fruit Wasn't Delicious Enough

I fucking love infomercials! I was watching SNL this weekend (and it was actually funny) drinking vanilla flavored coke zero with Bacardi limon. By the time SNL was over I was all tuned up....there was no going to bed insight. Then...my favorite infomercial came on. I know what your thinking,"I didn't know they still show the infomercial for the Ronco food dehydrator". Your thinking is correct..sadly I have not seen that particular infomercial in years. I would give anything to see that dude spray on his hair while making banana chips. That shit was off the hook. It was mega dope 3.0. It was baller shot caller hot like whoa.

p.s. don't buy a food dehydrator...it will burn down your home.

Hot Shit

Anyway, the informercial that is my all time favorite is for the Midnight Special. This exquisite piece of advertising artistry is put on by Guthy Renker. The Midnight Special is a series of musical and comedy performances from the seventies. Live footage of such peeps as Blondie, Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Donna Summer, Heart, David Bowie, etc.... I could watch this infomercial over and over again...in fact....I have. The best part of it all; there are no comercials!!!!!!! This infomercial also introduced me to my current favorite song, "Rubber Band Man" by the Spinners. Check that shit out on Youtube or download it (legally of course). There is no way in hell you will regret it...in fact...you can thank me if you want. (They actually dance with giant rubber bands)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce8nfWyX7P4

Anyway, the irony of it all is that as long as the infomercial exists I don't need to actually purchase this product. And I assume that it is all on youtube anyway. Doesn't technology save us sooo much money.......

Mutant Ass

What's in a name?

Imagine if I married Bill Hader. Then I would be Mrs. Hader. Queen Hader. Wow, that would be awesome. My rap name could be Bon Master Hader. My aol screen name could be Hader01. If I were a pro sports person my jersey thing would say Hader on the back. If we went to a restaurant the reservation would be for Hader party of two. If we had a kid we could name it something cleverly evil. I can't think of anything right now.....but the possibilities are out there. What a perfect world this could be.

Scrills

City of Minneapolis Finance Department.
Verizon Wireless.
Visa Card - US Bank.
Firstmark Services.
Fairview Clinic.
Great Lakes Student Loans.

I'm officially hating on bills (those up there - not these). They are holding me down and holding me back.

I Wanna Blog For The TSA

I've been flying enough lately to realize that I really don't know what the hell to do anymore when I'm passing through security. When I flew less it seemed to be a lot easier, but now, due to a lack of any semblance of consistency when it comes to my screening from time to time, I've fallen into confusion. Yes, confusion, frustration, and a total incomprehension of why my shoes must be in a different bin than my cell phone, and why I should have taken off my beanie before crossing through the metal detector. Once again On The Media has come to the rescue, in the form of this story. The TSA now has a blog in order to win our hearts and minds. Or at least to ease our minds and make that heart burn go away. Or something.

The Violence of the Scams

On Saturday night I spent a quiet evening at home reading the new GQ magazine. Flipping through (looking at the pictures mostly) I came to an article entitled "The Violence of the Lambs". In this article John Jeremiah Sullivan writes about the growing threat of animal violence upon humans. He highlights recent events where animals have acted uncharacteristically violent against human beings. I was enthralled. My mind was blown. Sullivan talks (in excess for about three pages) about a fanatical researcher on the fringes of science who believes that the next catastrophic historical event will be the uniting of animals against human beings. It is an apocolyptic narrative about bears and dolphins uniting to take down the oppressive human race...only it seemed some-what convincing. The last paragraph of the article states that pretty much the entire article is a lie..with exception to all the bizarre animal uprising stories (which were actually very interesting).

This is why Sullivan is in my hater spotlight. If you are going to fill some one's head with apoctolyptic garbage about such things at least do so in a credible way. I do not want to have a panic attack over my impending doom and then come to find out I have just read a work of fiction! If I am going to have a panic attack I want it to be on real terms! anyway...read this article in GQ it's pretty good...but don't get too worked up about it...(maybe even skip the last three pages). It does shed some interesting insight into the stress that human beings inflict on the animal kingdom. However, it does leave you wondering if strange animal phenomena is on the rise or if it is just more readily covered by the media than it ever was before....there is a lot about this article that is currently annoying me....

p.s. if you didn't already know, "Memiors of a Geisha" was not actually a real memior...that book is fiction too....it was written by a white guy....

I could not find any links to this article on the web so if you want to read it you can borrow my GQ, buy it on new stands (that is not an endorsement), or most likely-find it on the internet yourself.

Tricky Ass McCain-Dawg

Seriously, I knew it all along, and now I've got proof! Right? Right.

Just Eat the Fucking Cookie's D-Bags!!

Last night on Jay Leno there was a special segment with Marjorie Johnson, a minnesota native and cookie enthusiast, in which she went to the Grammy's to interview celebrities (and give away some of her world famous cookies). Many stars consumed the cookes while many others respectfully denied saying that they couldn't eat cookies on their diets. When Marjorie offered renown chef/douche bag Wolfgang Puck a cookie he cordially accepted it and offered to do a collaboration with her saying that she would make "a good pastery chef". Then when walking away he slyly slipped his cookie back into her basked. The audacity! He couldn't hold on to it a mere few seconds before he found a garbage can or......god forbid.....even taste the cookie (which are award winning...let me remind you). Puckster instead decided the best method of getting rid of the cookie was to publicly disrespect Marjorie (and thus Minnesota) by putting the cookie back in her basket. For that he deserves to be hated. Small acts speak a lot of a person's character. He should have respect for his fellow chef but instead he is stuck on his pompous high horse. Well Wolfman your food isn't even very good. Your chain of restaurants, in my mind at least, is akin to that of T.G.I. Fridays or Olive Garden. Get over yourself!!!

He was not the only grammy attendee who incurred my wrath. Ringo Starr also denied a cookie saying that he does not eat sugar. Gag me with a spoon! What the hell is wrong with that asshole? "Octopus's garden" was okay but it is no "let it be". What kind of a asshole claims to not fucking eat sugar!?!? Get over yourself Starr!

Feeding Family Not Going Well

Spree-dawg is forever falling on harder and harder times. I read somewhere that 90% of former NBA players are broke five years after retirement. YUP.

Eternity in a Black Hole

According to Jack Van Impe ministries this is the time line of upcomming events which we need to prepare ourselves for. I am not sure how it works in other parts of the United States but here in Minneapolis at 11:00 pm on Sunday nights Jack Van Impe and his wife Rexella (yes, ironically, she is named after a Dinosaur...or as SNL put it, a "Jesus Horse") have their weekly television show in which they discuss the comming of....you guessed it....Jesus Christ. This show has been on the air for as long as I can remeber. On the show Rexella reads current headlines which Jack then analyzes using bible verses (on the televangelist scene he is known as "the walking bible"). Recently Jack has predicted that the Apocalypse will begin in 2012. Prior to this he predicted that there would be wide spread catasrophe surrounding Y2K (this proved to be inaccurate). He was also quoted as saying, "black holes fulfill all the technical requirements to be the location of Hell." Mostly Impe preaches an "end of times" philosophy which puts him at odds with other religious leaders. (In 2005 he hated on Pat Roberson by comparing him to the likes of Osama Bin Laden.)

The question I often grapple with when thinking about the current Evangelical slant in the United States is, "What is motivating these people?" Are we really expected to trust televangelists? are there really that many people out there who buy this stuff? Why are they all white, middle class, old guys?

Since when has the book or revelation become the basis for the way many people think? More important than the idea that church and state should be seperated...one of the very concepts that this country was founded on. Does Democracy mean anything anymore?

Stephen Colbert put it quite pointedly what he asked, "why can't these people just say 'I don't know'?" Is the fear of the unknown so difficult for us to comprehend that we have to scare people into believeing a book that is most probubly a work of fiction? I am not saying that the prophesies found in the book of revelation are impossible I am just pointing out that they are highly improbable. Evangelicals make up a minority of United States citizens yet their presence is having an extreme impact on us all. This can be seen in environmental legislation, money for wars, etc. . .

Why can't people keep their dooms day babble to themselves?

My Hating Mission Statement

On a sunny summers day a couple of years ago I was unanimously elected the president of the Hater Party Crew (a position I was not even running for). There were five of us at the time whom all found a commonality in "Hating". Our group now consists of only three member all of whom are highly commited to the act of "hating". These days so called "haters" are a dime a dozen. There are so many "haters" in the world that there are actually people who hate on "haters". There are even people in this world who hate on people who hate on "haters". I believe that the height of democracy is the ability to be critical of the world around you. I am commited to hating in a mentally stimulating way. For me "hating" is not about idle judgement it is about thinking critically. It means attempting to see everything for what it is (and sometimes, more importantly, for what it is not). I will even go out on a limb and say that to hate is in actuality to love. When I love something/someone I hold it/him/her to a higher standard. So, in my eyes, to be hated on is to be loved (sort of). So when I hate it is because I expect more from the world than what I am seeing. In an ideal world everyone would be a "hater" because that would mean that no one was blindly following the status quo.

I will conclude with these famous words by W.C.Fields

"I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally"

Juno Hate

We were just talking about this last night:
Hating Juno. I ended up liking the movie, but I can agree with Dana Stevens and say that through the first 20 minutes I thought I'd really hate it, honest to blog.

It's time to party-

So now that we've introduced ourselves, you've heard a few moving words from our President elect, and we've already had a hate on "Pat motherfucking Robinson" - I think it's time to party.

I mean - we like to hate - but we love to party. Don't believe us?
Well - I'm pretty sure this guy would.

Wait a minute...can we party with this guy - and then hate on him? I think so. What a fucking idiot. I'm kind of jealous though.

It's Yer Boy, Pat!

Pat Robertson is one of the easiest people on the planet Earth to hate. Case in point, as shown at left. Believe it, a 70+ year old man leg pressed one ton. A-Maze-Ing. Not only does he make dubious claims as already discussed, but he's lied about his military service, supported African dictators, and been a huge jerk for a really long time. He even tried to be the Republican presidential candidate 20 years ago. I'll gladly believe the Wikipedia page about Pat sooner than I'll believe him, and just link directly to the hater part.

Our First Big Hate

Welcome to Hater Party Crew. We think you're going to like what we've got to offer.
We might not always be serious.
But we'll always be seriously hating, and partying.

For instance. We're currently hating on each other. Right now. This shit is for real.
Pretty soon we'll be hating on you. Watch yo self.

Mr. Gerbick is a bitch ass fuck. Haters.