Wednesday, October 14, 2009


and that's about as real as it gets.  Thought I was having a fucking heart attack tonight.  Really.

you, you, you, you, you, you, you....fuck off.  I almost stabbed about 6 of you today. For real, I carry a knife.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Someone Please Explain This To Me

Ralph Mirabal is fucked. He is a 19 year old kid from South Texas and he has been sentenced to 3 terms of 8 years in prison, to be served consecutively. Thank god they didn't give him the death penalty.

His crime against society?
Dudes a fucking graff head.
24 years in prison for graffiti.

I couldn't find any of his "vandalism" on the great interweb, but Jenn sent me a link to the story. Don't worry - the courtroom was packed with his victims when the prosecutor asked the judge to sentence him to prison time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that graffiti is fucking awesome, for the most part I really could care less about it. I hate bad graffiti. If you don't know what the fuck you're doing please don't leave your shitty ass tag around town - I'm just going to laugh at you. It really is art, please attempt to be good at it.

Those who exist and execute their chosen "lifestyles" in the periphery are often persecuted for their actions until the mainstream can figure out a way to profit off of them. Even after the mainstream has figured out how to stack those bills, the bullshit continues (as evidenced by Ralph Mirabel). This kid has been sentenced to more years in prison than he's currently been alive. Please find the logic, because I am failing to.

Crackdown on a skateboarder:


Making some money on a skateboarder:

Beautiful street art (that'll get you fined and arrested):
Make sure you're hip and you Do the Dew...cause they're cool and they get it.

Another interesting story I found when digging around about this. Read all about graffiti in the Iraq war.

Thanks Jenn.

Monday, August 24, 2009


FUCK THIS^ and >
Negative amounts of money.
Overdraft fees.
Being irresponsible.
Spending too much.
Not making enough.

ummmmmmm....monetarily speaking....nothing right now.

Or doing any of these out of boredom...except I need some scrills for this. # 7 might be useful.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


And a collective sigh of relief. What this says for the state of the Republican party...

Monday, July 13, 2009

As Poached...

From my favorite visual stimulant on the web:

Ok. So not ALLLLL brides to be are shallow whores (everywhere).
Let's just be real for one fucking second and break this shit down though.

"A brilliant reminder" - like chicks need to be reminded that they're supposed to want to get engaged, have the biggest rock their dude can get his credit-maxed fingers on, and be brides? We haven't been conditioned since birth by our families, advertisers, and mass marketing for this shit, please give me one more BRILLIANT reminder.

"Of what forever looks like" - uhhhhhhhh? 49.95% of custodial mothers/fathers are considered seperated or divorced in the United States. (Want to know something scarier? I got that fact from - second source through google search was - WTF)

Originally this post was going on my other blog, but then I found and got so sparked by their interpretation of facts I had to move the whole damn thing over to HPC. Here's how their brand of crazy breaks down:

"Ratio of Marriages to Divorces 2:1" - ok, duh.

"Population of unmarried women will soon surpass the population of married" - ok, maybe there are more younger women being born, and that women are getting married at older ages, or choosing (gasp) not to get married.


"This indicates a rejection of the Divine Institution of Marriage by the population."
[Ed. Note: Italics are all mine]

"Children living with only one parent has increased from 9% in 1960 to 30% (29.52%) in 2005. Of those 83% of the children live with the mother."

-The results you ask?-
"This is creating a society of bastards."

I'm not sure that they know the meaning of bastard, I'm just going to let that one slide.
Anyway - sort of a rambling post. I just saw that photo this morning, enjoyed it immensly, and thought I'd share (force) my beliefs on all of you. Moral of my story: do whatever you want. Get a huge fucking ring and rock it around town and show everyone how much you love each other. (Or) Don't do that.
Either way - I hope you're the other 50% and you live happily ever after!!!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

This broad is still around

I've said it before...we're at war with these people. If you don't think they're still around and trying to gain power think again. Stay educated on the wackos or they might win next time around.

It's long - over 10k words - but Vanity Fair has an interesting article about the Anti-Christ herself - Mrs. Sarah Palin.

One reason she scares me (from the article):
Andrew Halcro later remembered that he and Palin once compared notes about their many encounters, and she said, “Andrew, I watch you at these debates with no notes, no papers, and yet when asked questions, you spout off facts, figures, and policies, and I’m amazed. But then I look out into the audience and I ask myself, Does any of this really matter?”

To some people facts don't matter. I was at dinner last night, 33 miles from Minneapolis, and was told that "Democrats are still perpetuating the myth of global warming."

WTF. Yes! Facts matter. Yes! Global warming exists.

These people are out there...fully hating.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Holy Shit

1 part no-talent whores + 1 part genius =

Millionaires - Just Got Paid - Director's Cut

I don't even know what to think. Fuck yes? Fuck no? Oh God.

Beached Wale

Rude? yes.
Insensitive? yes.
Real Talk? yes.
I think it's the fact that this woman was roasting herself in the sun for hours that made me a little upset. Gross.

Friday, June 19, 2009

WTF. Really.

I'm trying to embed this video from the New Yorker, but it's not working. You can see the "At The Fire David Letterman Rally" vid here. Take two minutes of your life and watch that craziness. (Scroll all the way to the bottom to check the vid).

I know the Letterman/Palin joke is old news, and I saw some clip of his apology and then Palin saying it wasn't a real apology (or some shit) and I didn't really care about it (so why should you).

Then I saw that video.
I'm not joking when I say my jaw dropped and my hand was covering my mouth in shock at the end. There are no words to describe how deeply I am upset by this, I just can't get over the fact that those people are real (with the exception of the dude with the red beard). I do not understand them, and frankly, I think I'm at war with them.

Full hate.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

It's No Longer News If You're Gay

I have no idea who this kid is, but seriously, we should have better things to do. Thanks Yahoo! news feed.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Dear Antiquated Version of Everything...I hate you.

I just bought a computer from Jenn (for which I am hyped). Except for the fact that I've been doing nothing but updating the god damn programs all day and I still can't get the proper update for Safari. Basically this means I can't even look at the internet properly (and that is bogus). Every page looks like it was formatted in 1999, because that's what my current Version of Safari understands.

I just tried to upload an image of the download progress to this post (and surprise) it didn't work.

Hope to see you players on the internet in the future...I gotta take a break now because it's driving me nuts.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Oh Meth Neighbor!

I've come to semi-irrationally hate the dude that lives above me. He is up pacing his house at all hours of the night, day, whenever, dude paces so hard be it four AM or eight AM, usually within the same day. He must be on meth, that's all I can think of. People I've had slumber parties with have noticed the same damn thing. Dude's nuts, and has a fine way of coming home and beginning pacing his ass off just whenever I go to bed, be it ten PM or three AM. I'm over it and for a time I wanted to, by suggestion of someone who has actually done this, let the air out of his tires and then super glue the thingies back on so he's FUCKED, or like, throw a brick through his window or something. But I don't know what car he drives and I don't really give a shit anymore and this post isn't about him.

Blame it on the morbidly spoiled milk in my refrigerator. It expired April 29th. It's expanding and I really hope the top doesn't come off and release noxious gas that just ruins my day, but I'm afraid to touch it. I didn't touch it checking the date for this post, boy oh boy was I lucky that it was facing the right direction. Whew! Anywho, the milk helped me come up with an awesome prank, that I would pull on the guy upstairs if I could gain access to his house without breaking and entering.

Step One: Figure out the size of his toilet tank, and then buy gallons of milk accordingly.

Step Two: Take bought milk and age it accordingly, perhaps Homer Simpson style behind the radiator and shit.

Step Three: Gain access to the guys house without breaking in; this would be the hardest part. Don't forget the milk.

Step Four: Turn the water off on his toilet and then flush it.

Step Five: Take the top off the toilet tank and fill it with the putrid milk. Put the top back on and leave the water turned off.

Step Six: Dipset.

And that's that! It's an incredibly harmless prank but it would stink up the crib for hours and the simple sight of seeing a toilet flushing with milk would freak anyone out, or at least confuse the shit out of them. And then they might not be able to figure out how to turn the water on if they're really stupid (or high on fuckin' meth). And then, dude, the best part. They'll know that you can hit them, any time, any fucking place. That's terrorism boi (milky terrorism? ewww); not even feeling safe in your own damn crib.

So like, I"m totally going to do that.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Slumdog Depression

I loved the movie Slumdog Millionaire. It was a lovely film; the story was sweet, the shots were beautiful, and the music was moving...two thumbs up for Danny Boyle. As a matter of fact, I bought it the other day and was planning on watching it tonight after work.

Unfortunately there have been a number of stories circulating about the film's two youngest actors, and the mistreatment they've been receiving. I remember hearing something in the press right after the film won 8 Oscars, about how the children were given bonuses for their work. I don't remember (and I haven't looked) to see what they were fully compensated, but I do know that the producers set up trust funds for the children as well (hoping the money wouldn't be abused or extorted).

Here are a couple links about some of their most recent hardships:

You might be wondering why I'm posting about this, why should you care, why should you read these this just a part of my hollywood gossip obsession?

You should read about this because as human beings on this planet it is our obligation to look at the things that are wrong out there and do something about them. I don't know what the exchange rate of the dollar to rupee is - but I bet you that I could personally make a difference in the lives of these children (if I knew how to get in touch with them). I know that I won't do anything - and that actually makes me feel terrible...but I feel a little bit better; and I don't know why, for sharing this. Like - if people turn a blind eye and only look at the pretty outcome then none of these things are happening. I just feel like people should know they're happening.

Maybe someone else knows how to actually do something about it that's meaningful.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Missing Friends.

What is going on with me? Working for Camel again, and working for Vision Management (booking child models). So weird.

Working my life away. Trying to play my life away. Semi-successful.

Living with roomie. Trying to figure out what to do in December when our lease is up. Missing friends. Feeling broke, but making money again. Not biking enough (getting fat) and trying to bike and go to the gym to avoid that. Feeling less than creative...started writing again...feeling good about that.

Not getting enough sleep...laying in bed all day saturdays. eating brunch (some things never change). crushing on boys and not doing anything about it (see - lots of things don't change). work. work. work. repeat.

miss you terribly. cannot wait for the 4th of july.

Friday, May 8, 2009

FUCK the mother fuckin' internet, real life, jobs, relationships, lack of relationships,

no time to get shit done, missing friends, missing out, out to lunch, no lunch , late lunch, chicks that just lay there during sex, hating that sex, wishing you could just have sex, hating the other sex, thinking your time is wasted, wasting your time, being wasted all the time, timing, bad timing, being bad at being good, hardly getting over it, making mistakes, passing opportunities, passing out, passing the butter, crunchy legs, leggy brunettes, wishing, wanting, not receiving, lack of justification, lack of clarity, stolen cd's, rain, rain right now, empty stomachs, pathetic thoughts, egotastical adventures, wanting to slow it all down and take it in and not having the slightest clue at how to do



FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I'm sorry, I know that is really vulgar, uneducated, and completely un-lady-like...but it has been building all week.

My job is officially driving me crazy. In particular, people that I work with. I know most of you don't "really" know what I do all day, or why I work such crazy hours, and I don't really have time to spell it out right now; but I can explain that I work with like 8 people total.

After a while they can start to wear on you. For the most part I love them, but this week they are driving me fucking mad. I can't even talk about it for fear that someone I work with would somehow stumble across HPC and then report me. So, FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK.

Also, tryingt to make plans with friends is so depressing. Here is an example:

Friend: "Want to go to a movie?"
Me: "Yes! Movies are awesome - I love movies!"
Friend: "Great! When can you go. Even though I have a job my schedule is COMPLETELY wide open. Whatever works for you is fine."
Me: "Hmmm...let me look at my calendar and my day planner. Ok, it looks like I'm open from 6:00 - 7:00 tonight...oh wait, not - I've got to plan for the meeting at 7, scratch that. Ok, how about tomorrow, I'm free from 6:00 - 8:00?"
Friend: "That's not enough time for a movie."
Me: "Oh, yeah. Ok - how about Sunday day?"
Friend: "It's mother's day."
Me: "Shit."
Me: "Ok, next Monday night? Oh wait - no, I'm going to a movie with someone else. Do you want to come?"
Friend: "Who is it?"
Me: "...Enter any friend's name here..."
Friend: "Sure, what movie?"
Me: "Star Trek"
Friend: "I've already seen that."

Me: "Want to go get coffee from 6:00 - 8:00 tomorrow instead?"
Friend: "I guess."

Thursday, May 7, 2009


So I was getting tacos today and this dude, just above the elbow on the outside of his bicep, in what appeared to be the Times New Roman font, had the word "tattoo," um, tattooed. FUCK BRO. FUCK. YOU'RE ONE IRONIC BASTARD! I'll give you this though, you ironic bastard, you bummed me out enough that I'm writing about you on the Internet, so maybe, just maybe, you bastard, you win.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I'm sick of abbreviations

I used the word "gorg" as a replacement for gorgeous in a text message to roomie yesterday and I got bummed.

He then texted it back.

When I'm working in 18+ bars the crowd seems to find it necessary to call coupons "coups" which I really despise.

Also, when texting, I HATE it when people text UR. I don't mind LOL - that's at least an acronym, but UR!!! Just type YOUR. It's only 2 more letters! Same with RU (coincidence that it is the same two letters)? Are you? RU? If you're that fucking lazy don't even bother texting me. The only excuse is if you're driving, and then, only if it's really bad which case you shouldn't be texting anyone anyway you fucking moron.

So I promise to stop using "gorg" if the rest of the world promises to stop using "coups" - I think that's a fair trade.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Abandon All Hope...

Photo from Pudding Bath

On the internet today I stumbled upon the photo above right here, and in the comments HPCer Ash reminded me of "the grossest porno ever."

I have a friend who will seek out really jacked internet porn. He's introduced me to some SHIT, and now it's time to share.




Monday, April 27, 2009

Sunday, April 26, 2009

mystery and pain

mike's pointing to it ^ and calling me "bush league"

I'm pointing to it and calling it lame.

"It" is the scratch/bump on my nose.
How I got said scratch/bump is a mystery.

I think this really works on HPC. I am totally hating on the mystery, and I got it by totally partying with a crew. So.

Really, if anyone knows how I got this, please please please let me know!

Monday, April 20, 2009



Return Of Tha Baby Killa

Hating on blog posts that are just the lyrics of a song; usually I don't know the song. Sorry to friends that are implicated in this post, but that's the breaks yo. This song is sick in so many fucking ways, have you even loaded your glock yet?; a nod to Dank Nuggzz, Rest in Piss.

You better pray
When you see me put that nine up in that pussy, ho
Cock it back slow
Rock it back and forth, wait for the nut, then let my trigger go
Pussy-guts all over the room
If you ain't seen it
Then you're fiendin'
For the meanin'
Of that nina of doom
2 inches in and, uh, 4 inches out
You back that nigga that pack that gat
And hit that indo-sack
It's like that
Cannabis seteva got me stuck on stump, fool
All it take is a way, a fat green-bud blunt and a stunt
Cause it's that nigga that work 'em nigga deep
And block creep
And witness murder, baby, kill a seed
Once it'll make you vomit
Guts in a mama's baby, nuts in a bottle, maybe it's common
Biatches keep fuckin' and suckin' and keepin' it comin'
With they drama. POP! It's baby killa season
Put 6 in the clip, put it up that clit
And watch them baby's brains
Drip out that fetus
Bleed, it's that nigga that kill 'em
I'll fill 'em all full for that sicc reason
Season of da siccness broodin', got me trippin' for no reason

Guess what daddy's bringin' home for supper
Nigga nuts and guts and slabs of human meat, motherfucker
Now eat! Cause daddy's workin' hard for you, real, huh?
Killas run around everyday that's why I'm hard for you, nigga!
Now eat!

As I creep, picture every human that I seek
Slabs of human meat
Cause my kids gotta eat
I lives kinda deep, dark, up in tha cut
Where niggas load nines, and barrel-fuck a slut
Nigga, what? You ain't even seen me in my prime
Eatin' baby brains, maby veins, maby spines
I know they be cryin' when I'm cuttin' off the neck
I'm peelin' off the skin for some bacon-fried croquettes
Baby villain spine, that baby-killin' mind
A fifth-pint of gin cause I know I'm doin' time
So catch me now before I do my next crime
My kids' gotta eat, somebody's baby's on the line, nigga


Get ready for the nigga shit
That siccer-than-sicc gut ripgut
Pick-a-vic-up, fuck 'em up with a couple of nine-milla slugs
And put 'em on the ground. Murder toll. Buck buck!
Slugs to the womb
Guts all over the room
That legion of doom
That S to the I-C-X
With a locc and a tech for the throat
and a neck full of gunsmoke it up, locc
One for the nigga who kills them infants and senses
Then this time, I hit 'em with a nine-millimeter, meter
look me nigga me breakin up your skin
Never knew nigga-meat cooked so thin!
So I pack me a nine-milla gat
And creep in the back of the 'Lac
With a sack of the indo


(verse 4 X-Raided)

That's right, once upon a time
A nigga that hella sicc up in the skids
With a lie for the snitch
As a victim's stoned, sayin' "I'll be bones to the pussy clits"
They're a baby ditch to the mastermind
Nine-millimeter shells, they're blind!
Devils made a pact to fuck with match-to-heat, it's one of a kind
Low enough to the shit got hella deep that I had to patch it
To a soul who had the heart to put his mama in a casket
Who could it be?
where can he be
Locked up in the county
cause the bounty
finally found a nigga like me?
What's up, my nigga?
Pull this trigger
And take my muthafuckin' legacy
But watch your back
Niggas be claimin' that they sicc
But really don't know which way to go when they be fuckin' up with my lunatic
Shiiiit, have you ever seen your mama's cock? (yeah!)
Have you even seen a body drop? (yeah!)
Have you even loaded up your glock?
Well, I could gives a fuck cause even then, nigga, you not my nigga
From that 24 Garden Block
That's doin' time
For shootin' shadows up in the dark
And tryin' to bite before he bark
And when his heart stops
From the metal blue blocks up in the cut
They try to lynch my muthafucka to make some dice up out his nuts
And what the fuck goes thru my nigga's mind up in his cell?
That 24 Deep, no sleep, much stress, nigga
Nigga must be livin' up in hell
And here I am, same muthafucka that got my nigga sicc
Tryin' to kill myself but slippin' more deeper into the siccness shit


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Tangentmental Song Post

Blame it on a good day, blame it on insomnia and a jacked sleep schedule, blame it on Rod Stewart and The Faces, or just blame it on the fact that I'm listening to my I-pod shuffle, drinking a beer, and got an idea. Blame whatever. The idea approached me that I've got some 60 or so songs on my little buddy, and almost each and every song on here has a story one way or another, of why it's on here, why I like it, or some other story about some ethereal meaning that it has. So, as "Stay With Me," ends, here are the songs, and their stories (file this in the party? section); I'm going to write about each song more or less until it ends, then move on, and do it until I'm completely bored or fall asleep:

Bob Seger, "Night Moves"

I never much liked Mr. Seger. Listen to much of his music and he's cheesy, sentimental, and maybe full of shit. But then really listen, and allow yourself to be cheesy, which you and I are at times, setimental (ditto), and so forth, and allow yourself to just get all Segerly. I once spray-painted Seger on my skateboard, but no more. Seger is the muse of pain and nostalgia, the everyman's everyman-that and I totally equated "Night Moves" to my relationship with my highschool girlfriend. Yeah, it was ALL about night moves. Ever since we wrote our own song to the Night Moves song, I've appreciated it even more. Already breaking protocol: skipping ahead.

The Dandy Warhols, "Boys Better" (I think?)

Simply put, Fourstar used this song in one of the most awesome intros to a skateboard video ever, and the shit was in my head forever until I downloaded it. I'm off to a shitty start, clicking ahead...

The Delgados, "Stepping In From The Cold"

Oh good, something to write about. This song was used in the Blueprint skateboard video of some name or another, and a dude named Danny Brady skated to it. Awesome skateboard part to be sure, but the best part about this song comes down to my friend Neal. Neal used to live in Chicago when the aforementioned video came out, and then he blew out his knee, and was no longer able to skateboard. He moved here for school and parents, and thought his skateboard career was done for. Basically, when the CD player in my car still worked, Neal and I were driving around one time, and this song came on. He grimaced slightly, and then turned to me and said, "Yo, I can't listen to this song." He explained that he'd listened to it pretty much everyday the summer past in order to get hyped up, and the thought of it now only made his knee hurt. But he got better and skates every chance he gets now.

Andre Nikatina, "Frisco"

Rob Welsh skated to this song. It was dope. Another time we started jumping over shit in this apartment where we jump over shit just for fun and then it came on and then we jumped some more shit and then we went to that bar, Liquor Lyle's. Never liked that bar that much.

Outkast, "Da Art of Storytellin' Part 2"

Real Talk, this song was formative to old Mr. Gerbik. Aquemini is one of those prototypical records that just defines the time when I really started to get or understand music, or make it mean something, or take a meaning from it, or...While there were countless times when this song came on while I was a 17 year old trying to find a place to smoke a clove or trying to hook up with some girl to make out with, the one time that stands out is the morning after the best party I've ever been to. It was at Neal's house, Weird Science style, I was 18, and we were cleaning up. I put this song on and was vibing hard after sleeping in Neal's mom's office. Chips turned it off and made some joke about shitty rap and then I was bummed.

Belle & Sebastien, "Dirty Dream Number Two

The first time I heard this song was when Damian had edited some footage of people together and used it. Then I heard it a ton after, and loved it, but then it really hit home, when, I was staying in the basement of my house during a protracted break-up with a certain HPC member, and I watched the B & S DVD which I absolutely didn't steal from her, and lo and behold the "Dirty Dream Number Two" music video was on there. Needless to say, I was already in love with Belle & Sebastian due to a previous affair with "Your Cover's Blown" and assorted tracks, and when I saw the awesome (as in awe...) displays of innocence and brilliance and happiness in the video, like, GAME OVER.

Rod Stewart, "Young Turks"

There, I said it, I'm a skate nerd. Louie Bartletta skated to the "Young Turks" and it was fucking awesome and its a good song to walk down the street to or to think about girls you like because it's a love song or just because you like Rod Stewart. Ok?

Sonic Youth, "Teen Age Riot"

The song of the summer of '08. One breathless afternoon I was listening to The Current and heard the song mentioned above and drove. I'd heard it before in some nameless skateboard video and made note of that, but at some point I'd lost the name of the video (thus nameless) but found myself transfixed and fixed and content. Suddenly it became an NPR favorite "Driveway Song," (or across the street 15 feet from the hydrant song) and I sat and listened for some four minutes. I sat so contently that Sam McGuire, who was going elsewheres at the time, came out and knocked on my window and asked if I was OK, or what I was doing, I don't remember, I was blacked out in the music.

New Order, "Bizarre Love Triangle," Radio Mix

I was at the skatepark one time and it came on and it was amazing, it was the real whole song, and then I went home and downloaded it and I got the radio mix, the shorter version, which is good in its own right.

Belle & Sebastian "My Girl's Got Amazing Technique"

I was in Arizona this past X-mas and then my little brother got me the B & S BBC CD. I was staying at a motel because my dad put me up there because my sister and her fiance had taken up the other room, and I was listening to the CD, and I found the song to incredibly poignant at the time; I had a good crush on a girl, and I'm a blistering romantic, and so on and so on. So pretty much, buy beers at the 7Eleven with your little brother and make him listen to the song but don't tell him exactly what's up. Maybe lil' bro is drunker than you.

Playaz Circle, "Duffle Bag Boy"

Spend a weekend at the cabin doing Wizard Staffs and listening to Lil' Wayne and this shit begets itself. Then one night after beers at the skatepark, say the hook over and over and over as you head to your not-so-home, and just remember, you damn sure not 'bout to pick today to start runnin'. Git Money.

Thin Lizzy, "Jail Break"

Pretty much one of the best songs ever. Ever. Benji introduced this song into my life when we were editing Shitheads Vol. 8 for the ender banger section, and from there, why look back? "Hey you; good-look'n female, come here." Also, "In-to the city zones..."

Last one.-Belle & Sebastian, "Lazy Line Painter Jane"

I swear I had the thing on shuffle the whole time, and then the last song I intend to blab about is a banger, I swear. First I heard this song on the DVD that I did not steal, and then I bought some shit on I-tunes and got it on my computer, and WOW. For all my boring/amazing nights of late late '08 into '09, this song has been THE salvo, the pickup, the feel good gem of the year, and other stuff that is way less lame sounding than what was just typed. Simply, LLPJ let's me dream about having a girl tonight, girls with beautiful voices, aimless Scottish jobs in the Village Shoppe, and dreaming of the time when I'm free of all the trouble I should be in. I know about lotions and potions;

The End.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


So, I really hate when people call my work phone looking for April.  I am not April.  I have never been April.  I only know two Aprils - and I don't have either of their phones.  

These calls are from are bill collectors, and they call at all hours, usually really early in the morning.  They also call and hang up a lot.  It drives me mad.

Today though, there was something new: 

Good question, anonymous texter; "What is really up wit me?"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I'm not your Honey.

Dear Jerk-Face Customer,

I hate you.  P.S. Please go to hell.

Someone who doesn't care about you or your sniveling shit-for-brain complaints at all.

So today was one of those magical days where the sun and the stars and the moon align to make my life hell.  This must be payback for laughing at that kid in Snuffy's.  

I came into work today only to have to read a report that made me so mad I stormed around the office for at least a half hour.  It doesn't even matter what the report is - it's just really useless in my opinion.  Then I got on the phone with one of the rudest people I've ever talked to.  My customers are so nice...this was somebody else's customer and it got dumped on me.  The dude proceeded to call me a liar, then he told me he was going to get my company removed from a program (which is such bullshit) and then he called me honey.  As in, "Listen here, Honey."  Then he hung up on me.  So I called him back and told him he was wrong.  I literally explained to the guy how he was wrong.  His response, "Well it doesn't really matter."

What a d-bag.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Truck Balls, a Familia Sticker, and a Smucker Sticker.

Where is my nuts? Right fucking here dawg. Let's quote:
Thank You America For a Wonderful Year!!!

Did you have an awesome customer experience?
Do you have a sweet picture of your Nutz?

I don't even know what else to say. Do these rule? Yes? Can I inexpensively order a, um, uh, a pair? YES! Can I get mine in black? The only thing to say here about these eight inches of awesomeness is BOO-YA!!!. Put those dogs in a bathtub.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Let's Talk, or better yet, Let's Hate. We Could Party...

Did the Hater Party Crew breakup and I didn't get the email, or see the post,, get the text message, or get the call, or get the letter? A letter being sent is very unlikely, I know for a fact that no HPC member has my address, in fact I'm pretty sure that only my Dad, Kevin Wilkins, and GEICO, and the electric company, and the bank have my actual addy. So there wasn't a letter or anything, but really, I'm down a rabbit hole that doesn't lead to my point. I continue.

What is the state of this hating community? I know that the previous post, which I will not link to because you can simply scroll down, somewhat esoterically posited whether or not, "Liking is the new hating in 09'?," but then old Typo' talked about some future shit so I have a feeling that we still might be hating. There is a point, I swear.

I might just be with the rest of ya'll; I'm fairly content with my lot in life, and at the same time, this whole winter thing is sapping all creative energy i.e. hating juice out of me. But I mean, to be frank, fuck all dat bullshit, we can still rule the hatoshphere, as we damn well should be. Take some time and peruse the Renaissance of HPC, aka April of 2008; we killed it! Smart, entertaining hating by all, a little party, a smattering of liking, etc. We still got it folks; if we don't I have to move HPC out of my bookmark bar in favor of what? (checking), oh boring, my TSM login page; cha'll know if you ever check my blog there that I don't update that shit.

So a point, shall we? Could we keep partying, hating, or liking even? Yes we can, Yes We Can. We all still hate on stuff, even if we don't immediately post it on the internet. Here we go, some possible hate content for the '09, where liking might be the new hating but we're in the future so we don't even know up from down (to paraphrase the post below). Yeah, the list of things to possibly hate this year...

-Teenagers. This will never change, and as we're a year older now, we'll probably hate them more.

-Winter. Old faithful; this one has been especially bad, so someone entertain me.

-Fedoras. I grudgingly hold my tongue when certain friends wear them, because they don't even look that bad, but, you, know, someone could get sparked.

-Long Droopy Beanies. Oh fuck yeah, we got this.

-Street Wear.

-Name Dropping Assholes. 2008 saw three posts devoted to a single dude, and one of our fine posters even felt compelled to create a new blogger name for his one-time-under-that-name-rant. We still got it in us.


-Politics. It's been all touchy feely and shit since November 2nd, but we're bound to find our hate again.

-The Economy? Almost a moot point at this point, but we're creative.

-Work. Duh.

-Life's Nasty Tricks. They happen, and e-venting is a viable solution, for a bit at least.

-Nicholas Cage.

-The Timberwolves. They're playing well now, but my inner-fan says I just might have another post in me about them.

-Facebook. That shit would write itself.

-Short People. They got no reason to life yo.

-Other blogs. Since this is so still the best thing ever on the internet, I know we can find something to ridicule.

-Dick Cheney. Some info about his sketchiness is bound (or not) to come to light soon, I know someone can tackle that dude (I personally would never tackle him, because I have the creeping suspicion that he has lighting strike capabilities ala THE EMPEROR). Again, digression.

-Blog post pep talks.

I'm out!