FUCK.

I have had enough heart attacks in the past two weeks - I really, really, really didn't need another one. But guess what? Life doesn't work like that, does it.

If anyone knows anyone who is hiring for anything right now please let me know. I'm dead serious. And if you know anyone hiring for anything in Chicago let John know. And if you know anyone hiring in NYC let me know.

So yeah.

Check Yourself. Don't Wreck Yourself.

So as it turns out I am not a "music festival" type person. Guess what...hot sun+portable toilets+large crowds+asshole douche's who can't get their acts together long enough to aim into a urinal+ long lines+ greasy stomach rupturing festival food+ a lame "no re-entry policy+ out door acoustics (or lack there of)= epic harshness of ginormous proportions (I'll note here that I was the only one in my group that had a less than fantastic time). I'll admit...it wasn't all bad. There was some stellar peep watching. Check out fashion from Chicago's finest Pitchfork attendees. (I would have added captions but just in case there is a Hell I decided not to)

Thank you. I was hoping somebody was going to say something.

I need to say "Thank You" to Brooke Hogan. Thanks to her fucking stupid ass mouth the women's suffrage movement has been pushed back another twenty years. Please read below to find out what I'm talking about...

"You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?"
- Brooke Hogan

Now I'll be honest, I found this quote on PerezHilton.com which doesn't make me proud. But I am happy that I found it. I like to know what I'm working against...and she is definitely one of the things that I'm working against in this world. It actually pains me that a woman in this day and age would say such a thing. I'm not so oblivious to believe that celebrities have any kind of clout with most of the world (or maybe they do and I just choose not to associate with those types of people) but I do think they should have some sense of social responsibility. If they can't say something worthwhile they should just be muzzled.

Parent Hate

Not only am I sick of looking at a gigantic "Lobster" picture but I also have a legitimate, life shattering hate sesh built up inside of me. I have always felt that I do not have a right to judge parents of "out of control" children due to the simple fact that I myself am not a parent. That was until last Monday. I had a brief yet life shattering encounter with a Satan spawn that changed how I view parenting forever. As most of you may (of may not) know I am a waitress. Waitressing in and of itself involves frequently being in uncomfortable, humbling, awkward, and humiliating situations. This one takes the cake. Is the big Kahuna. Relentlessly goes for the gold.

Monday night I was waiting on a table that consisted of two adults and one child of about three or four. Mid dinner I stopped by to check in and see how their apps were treating them only to be mercilessly pelted in the eye by a large sopping wet spitball napkin wad. To add insult to injury the parents did absolutely nothing with exception to saying the child's name loudly (when did hearing your name loud become punishment?). No apology. Not even a 20% tip. I was so enraged and humiliated that I made my boss finish up the table. Later on in the evening as the family was finishing up the child threw more stuff at me as I was quickly passing by with my head down in shame. Again, his name said loudly was the only punishment. I literally had to go to the bathroom to pick chunks of napkin out of my eye and the only punishment he received was his name said loudly. To top it all off the woman is pregnant (with presumably another spawn of Satan). Why do these people procreate? If you can't control your kid in public don't take it out in public. If you don't want to be a disciplinarian don't become a parent.

I do not choose to be a waitress because I want to baby sit. If you are going to exist in a public place be respectful of the life around you.

Lobster, King Daddy, and/or Sporos...

You know what I'm talking about. Possibly the most terrifying creature I've ever encountered in real life. One of the only things that makes me scream like a little girl and run away.

I've started to conquer my fear of the Lobster, and now I usually attack them with some sort of cleaning supply or if I can't find that fast enough I will swat them with a shoe or magazine. I will never, under any circumstances touch them with my bare skin (I'm never going to be that brave john). So even though I'm getting over my fear...I still hate these things with a passion. I actually had to cover the picture up with my hand when I was uploading it. Fuck.