Monday, May 25, 2009

Dear Antiquated Version of Everything...I hate you.

I just bought a computer from Jenn (for which I am hyped). Except for the fact that I've been doing nothing but updating the god damn programs all day and I still can't get the proper update for Safari. Basically this means I can't even look at the internet properly (and that is bogus). Every page looks like it was formatted in 1999, because that's what my current Version of Safari understands.

I just tried to upload an image of the download progress to this post (and surprise) it didn't work.

Hope to see you players on the internet in the future...I gotta take a break now because it's driving me nuts.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Oh Meth Neighbor!

I've come to semi-irrationally hate the dude that lives above me. He is up pacing his house at all hours of the night, day, whenever, dude paces so hard be it four AM or eight AM, usually within the same day. He must be on meth, that's all I can think of. People I've had slumber parties with have noticed the same damn thing. Dude's nuts, and has a fine way of coming home and beginning pacing his ass off just whenever I go to bed, be it ten PM or three AM. I'm over it and for a time I wanted to, by suggestion of someone who has actually done this, let the air out of his tires and then super glue the thingies back on so he's FUCKED, or like, throw a brick through his window or something. But I don't know what car he drives and I don't really give a shit anymore and this post isn't about him.


Blame it on the morbidly spoiled milk in my refrigerator. It expired April 29th. It's expanding and I really hope the top doesn't come off and release noxious gas that just ruins my day, but I'm afraid to touch it. I didn't touch it checking the date for this post, boy oh boy was I lucky that it was facing the right direction. Whew! Anywho, the milk helped me come up with an awesome prank, that I would pull on the guy upstairs if I could gain access to his house without breaking and entering.


Step One: Figure out the size of his toilet tank, and then buy gallons of milk accordingly.


Step Two: Take bought milk and age it accordingly, perhaps Homer Simpson style behind the radiator and shit.


Step Three: Gain access to the guys house without breaking in; this would be the hardest part. Don't forget the milk.


Step Four: Turn the water off on his toilet and then flush it.


Step Five: Take the top off the toilet tank and fill it with the putrid milk. Put the top back on and leave the water turned off.


Step Six: Dipset.


And that's that! It's an incredibly harmless prank but it would stink up the crib for hours and the simple sight of seeing a toilet flushing with milk would freak anyone out, or at least confuse the shit out of them. And then they might not be able to figure out how to turn the water on if they're really stupid (or high on fuckin' meth). And then, dude, the best part. They'll know that you can hit them, any time, any fucking place. That's terrorism boi (milky terrorism? ewww); not even feeling safe in your own damn crib.


So like, I"m totally going to do that.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Slumdog Depression

I loved the movie Slumdog Millionaire. It was a lovely film; the story was sweet, the shots were beautiful, and the music was moving...two thumbs up for Danny Boyle. As a matter of fact, I bought it the other day and was planning on watching it tonight after work.

Unfortunately there have been a number of stories circulating about the film's two youngest actors, and the mistreatment they've been receiving. I remember hearing something in the press right after the film won 8 Oscars, about how the children were given bonuses for their work. I don't remember (and I haven't looked) to see what they were fully compensated, but I do know that the producers set up trust funds for the children as well (hoping the money wouldn't be abused or extorted).



Here are a couple links about some of their most recent hardships:






You might be wondering why I'm posting about this, why should you care, why should you read these stories...is this just a part of my hollywood gossip obsession?

You should read about this because as human beings on this planet it is our obligation to look at the things that are wrong out there and do something about them. I don't know what the exchange rate of the dollar to rupee is - but I bet you that I could personally make a difference in the lives of these children (if I knew how to get in touch with them). I know that I won't do anything - and that actually makes me feel terrible...but I feel a little bit better; and I don't know why, for sharing this. Like - if people turn a blind eye and only look at the pretty outcome then none of these things are happening. I just feel like people should know they're happening.

Maybe someone else knows how to actually do something about it that's meaningful.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Missing Friends.

What is going on with me? Working for Camel again, and working for Vision Management (booking child models). So weird.

Working my life away. Trying to play my life away. Semi-successful.

Living with roomie. Trying to figure out what to do in December when our lease is up. Missing friends. Feeling broke, but making money again. Not biking enough (getting fat) and trying to bike and go to the gym to avoid that. Feeling less than creative...started writing again...feeling good about that.

Not getting enough sleep...laying in bed all day saturdays. eating brunch (some things never change). crushing on boys and not doing anything about it (see - lots of things don't change). work. work. work. repeat.

miss you terribly. cannot wait for the 4th of july.
xoxoash

Friday, May 8, 2009

FUCK the mother fuckin' internet, real life, jobs, relationships, lack of relationships,

no time to get shit done, missing friends, missing out, out to lunch, no lunch , late lunch, chicks that just lay there during sex, hating that sex, wishing you could just have sex, hating the other sex, thinking your time is wasted, wasting your time, being wasted all the time, timing, bad timing, being bad at being good, hardly getting over it, making mistakes, passing opportunities, passing out, passing the butter, crunchy legs, leggy brunettes, wishing, wanting, not receiving, lack of justification, lack of clarity, stolen cd's, rain, rain right now, empty stomachs, pathetic thoughts, egotastical adventures, wanting to slow it all down and take it in and not having the slightest clue at how to do

just

that.

FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I'm sorry, I know that is really vulgar, uneducated, and completely un-lady-like...but it has been building all week.

My job is officially driving me crazy. In particular, people that I work with. I know most of you don't "really" know what I do all day, or why I work such crazy hours, and I don't really have time to spell it out right now; but I can explain that I work with like 8 people total.

After a while they can start to wear on you. For the most part I love them, but this week they are driving me fucking mad. I can't even talk about it for fear that someone I work with would somehow stumble across HPC and then report me. So, FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK.

Also, tryingt to make plans with friends is so depressing. Here is an example:

Friend: "Want to go to a movie?"
Me: "Yes! Movies are awesome - I love movies!"
Friend: "Great! When can you go. Even though I have a job my schedule is COMPLETELY wide open. Whatever works for you is fine."
Me: "Hmmm...let me look at my calendar and my day planner. Ok, it looks like I'm open from 6:00 - 7:00 tonight...oh wait, not - I've got to plan for the meeting at 7, scratch that. Ok, how about tomorrow, I'm free from 6:00 - 8:00?"
Friend: "That's not enough time for a movie."
Me: "Oh, yeah. Ok - how about Sunday day?"
Friend: "It's mother's day."
Me: "Shit."
Me: "Ok, next Monday night? Oh wait - no, I'm going to a movie with someone else. Do you want to come?"
Friend: "Who is it?"
Me: "...Enter any friend's name here..."
Friend: "Sure, what movie?"
Me: "Star Trek"
Friend: "I've already seen that."

Me: "Want to go get coffee from 6:00 - 8:00 tomorrow instead?"
Friend: "I guess."

Thursday, May 7, 2009

YOU IRONIC BASTARD!

So I was getting tacos today and this dude, just above the elbow on the outside of his bicep, in what appeared to be the Times New Roman font, had the word "tattoo," um, tattooed. FUCK BRO. FUCK. YOU'RE ONE IRONIC BASTARD! I'll give you this though, you ironic bastard, you bummed me out enough that I'm writing about you on the Internet, so maybe, just maybe, you bastard, you win.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I'm sick of abbreviations

I used the word "gorg" as a replacement for gorgeous in a text message to roomie yesterday and I got bummed.

He then texted it back.

When I'm working in 18+ bars the crowd seems to find it necessary to call coupons "coups" which I really despise.

Also, when texting, I HATE it when people text UR. I don't mind LOL - that's at least an acronym, but UR!!! Just type YOUR. It's only 2 more letters! Same with RU (coincidence that it is the same two letters)? Are you? RU? If you're that fucking lazy don't even bother texting me. The only excuse is if you're driving, and then, only if it's really bad traffic...in which case you shouldn't be texting anyone anyway you fucking moron.

So I promise to stop using "gorg" if the rest of the world promises to stop using "coups" - I think that's a fair trade.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Abandon All Hope...


Photo from Pudding Bath


On the internet today I stumbled upon the photo above right here, and in the comments HPCer Ash reminded me of "the grossest porno ever."


I have a friend who will seek out really jacked internet porn. He's introduced me to some SHIT, and now it's time to share.


LET IT BE KNOWN THAT WHILE THIS ISN'T QUITE SOME "TWO GIRLS AND ONE CUP" TYPE SHIT, IT STILL IS NOTHING YOU WANT TO WATCH AT WORK AND YOU DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TO WATCH IT WITH PEOPLE WHO MIGHT JUDGE YOU. IT COULD RUIN YOUR DAY TOO, BUT PROBABLY NOT. ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO CLICK BELOW.


One.


Two.